Skating heartbreak: Part one
I had started skating to pass the time. Time, and the monochrome feeling that covered it imbued a sense of impotence in me. I had seen the whimsy and carefree girls whipping through the wind in countless videos and considered that I might be able to touch that feeling as well. Being who I am, my interest never piques so much as it peaks. I wholly dedicated myself to the endeavor, a fresh graduate with nothing better to do than vigorously research and watch reviews on skates, gear, accessories, anything tangentially related. I needed a place to put my mind, a way to move when everything was at a standstill.
Every day at 5 pm, M would minimize all the windows and retreat from his ultra-wide computer monitor. We would walk to the park together to skate, me in roller skates and him on a longboard. At first he never really wanted to go, but he always would. I think he knew that I needed something to be excited about, something to look forward to. The park was close by, an alley connecting the few yards between the lot of our apartment building and the entrance. On our way there, we would either talk about nothing or hint at questions far too big to be answered in the few steps ahead. Are you really going to move to Philadelphia. Would it really matter if I did. I found it most pleasant the days I kicked rocks and spoke of the humidity.
It had been like this for long enough that the conflict of it had grown stale. Long enough that it had disappeared into itself, evading conversation or concern. I was too comfortable and that meant I had to leave. He understood that he couldn't ask me to stay. Discouraged by the indifference, I dedicated little in convincing him to come. I had a fondness for him, the kind you hold close to your chest, safely kept in a green velvet-lined music box. I wanted a church choir, affection so deep that it brought you to your knees.
Some days we would go in circles until our shirts were sticky on our backs and we realized we ought to start bringing more than one Nalgene to share. We swapped playlists while we were sitting under the shade of the picnic area, trying to catch our breath. We watched kids attempt to do tricks on stunt bikes and laughed. We tried talking about the future by making vague gestures, spelling uncertainty. He showed me how to use a ratchet to loosen my trucks. Righty tight-y, lefty loos-y, yeah I know, I know. When we returned to the basketball court we had commandeered, we split off into separate quadrants and I would dissolve into the music playing in my ears.
The click-clack of my wheels hitting the concrete created a rhythmic melody and the slams of his board added percussion and we made a song out of the tension of not knowing what more there is to say. As we glided around the perimeter of the court, the sun heated our tepid bond to the temperature of belied torridity. I followed him with the hold of my gaze and imagined the heartbreak of missing this moment in a not-so-distant future. I recounted memories; watching the ceiling of his bedroom spin after a Halloween party, speeding down the highway when the sunroof flew off, the dizzying epics of killing roaches in our apartment that each time seemed to be larger than the last. I practiced nostalgia in the immediate, while he was still within arm’s reach. I made preparations to insulate myself from sheerly unpredictable pain.
Days passed and my belongings made their way into cardboard boxes. Answers wrote themselves. I left my skates out, sitting by the door in the shadows of what remained.
Hidden Gems
I’m Not Feeling Good At All by Jess Bergman - If you liked Paranoia’s Pleasures from last week, this essay takes a deeper dive into the characterization of women in contemporary fiction. Bergman seats her analysis in the political and economic realities we live in— the alienation we face under late capitalism, an eroding shore of our agency in our own lives. Bergman pushes back against nihilistic interpretations and offers that the inherent messiness of life is profound on its’ own.
The Repressive Politics of Emotional Intelligence by Merve Emre - This analysis dissects the political motive behind popular psychology that has only risen in popularity since its’ conception a quarter of a century ago. Emre adds context to the appeal of positive psychology and emotional intelligence as tools to pacify struggling workers. This uncovers emotional intelligence as just another philosophy peddling the old narrative of rugged American individualism and challenges you to reconsider what other ideas we rely on to cope with our material suffering.
Exploring Black and Asian American Lesbian Archives: Aché and Phoenix Rising by Jaimee A. Swift - A brilliant historical resource of movement building in Asian-American and Black Lesbian communities through publications, organizing, and relationships. Photographs, photocopies, and historical documentation sketch out seeds of solidarity in the respective communities, linking us to our past and contextualizing our potential futures.
Signs of the times
As we settle into Taurus season, take the time to appreciate life’s indulgences and express gratitude for the comforts we usually take for granted. Make a nourishing meal and enjoy every bite. The full moon in Scorpio tonight calls us to reveal the thing that’s been burying itself in our minds. Now is the time to express it, in whatever way feels the most honest for you. Saturn (the planet of restrictions and discipline) makes aspects with Venus (planet of love and relationships) and Mercury (planet of communication), so if you find yourself experiencing challenges or tensions in these areas, be thoughtful about your course of action. Saturn demands you take responsibility for yourself, so practice intentionality in your decisions when it comes to love and communication.
Building our social reality
Sign this petition demanding Penn Museum return remains of MOVE bombing victim Two children were murdered by Philadelphia Police on May 13, 1985 in the only bombing the amerikkkan police state has inflicted on its own people. The remains of the victims are in possession of the Penn Museum and should be rightfully returned to the Africa family. The petition needs over 1,500 signatures to meet its goal.
#FreeJocelyn Phone Zap and Email Template - Jocelyn is an 18-year-old woman, mother, and asylum seeker that has been detained by ICE and is now the only woman detained at Orange County Jail. Call or email to advocate for her release in the middle of a deadly pandemic.